Women when they reach a certain age start to….change. Think puberty but in reverse. Instead of an influx of hormones, you have a decline and with it comes all the intensity of mood swings, loss of control, and confusion. It’s great. NOT!
I’m talking about perimenopause, folks!
Though this is a topic I normally reserve for a few close chosen ones, I realize that there are women out there, much like me, who are wondering “What the heck is wrong with me?” I honestly thought I was going crazy, something was broken, but thanks to a few folks making Instagram videos and a push to normalize this time in our lives, I realized I was not alone. So what I am about to share, whatever this rambling turns out to be, is meant to help others feel heard, seen, and understood.
I chose this morning to write about this because I have spent most of my morning crying over absolutely nothing…and I truly mean that. Like I walk through the house and tears just start leaking out and if I allowed myself, I would totally be ugly crying without even knowing why. The last time I recall being so emotional was when I was 13. I also remember my daughters displaying the same random bouts of crying when they were teens. And just like then, it’s irrational, frustrating, and exhausting. Add to the random crying an intense sensation of brain squeeze because you feel like your failing in all parts of your life, throw in a migraine caused by both, and add a dash of anxiety because you never know when “Aunt Flow” is going to visit and now you’ve got the perfect mental and physical storm.
What I love about the modern woman is they aren’t afraid to talk about things, and this includes “personal” matters. Instagram content creator Keri Wright and Katherine Heigl’s Poise pads commercial have both helped me feel like a woman that is understood, heard, and not alone. Perimenopause and menopause and all the things that go with it are being talked about and it is about time. It’s not that I don’t have a mom or friends to confide in, but their journey has been different from mine. They were thrust into this stage of their life through medical events and health issues and some of what they have experienced, they didn’t even know were due to these “pause” factors. I want to take a page from Ms. Wright, and talk about what I’m experiencing to help others understand what they may be feeling and going through or help the young ones be prepared for what is coming.
Wow! This is a long introduction in which I have said really nothing other than I was crying today….lol. So let me begin with the brain fog and maybe another day we will tackle something else.
I’ve never been one with a great brain. I’ve always struggled with vocabulary and finding the right words, but over the past year and a half, it has gotten even worse. I have entire conversations that go a bit like this: “Can you please get that….that thing over by the….ummm….that shelf in the room that’s black…there’s a folder there….” and all the while my eyes are closed and my hands are ‘drawing” the image out, it’s literally became a game of charades to relay information. Thankfully, I have a very patient and understanding staff, and I have a good sense of humor, but it can be frustrating when you’re around people not as familiar with your everyday person. It goes beyond mixing up your kids’ names but forgetting normal words, words like pencil and cup. You definitely got to keep a sense of humor, it will be your saving grace for sure.
In addition to forgetting words, I forget what I’m doing. You may have heard about walking into a room and not knowing why you went in there…yea, that’s apparently a real thing and it begins to happen a lot. Some of this may be due to having too many things on my mind, or a lack of focus, but some of it is also just things not connecting right in my brain due to chemical changes. Lists are now not just an option in my life but a necessity. If I don’t have it written down either on a scrap of paper or in my phone, chances are, it’s not going to get done or remembered. These list also help me limit the amount of confusion that can occur by trying to process things mentally (see the not above about too much on my mind).
All of this forgetfulness and searching for words can leave you feeling inferior, dumb, and broken. You may even start to panic and worry about your mental and physical health. What I have found is that I am not alone in this process, and that is like a comfy warm blanket to my spiraling anxiety. The truth is, with changing hormones means changing body chemistry. Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone effect our memory and focus along with a lack of good sleep. So be gentle with yourself, you’re not loosing it, you’re just changing. There are things out there that can make the hormone changes a bit more easy, but if you’re like me, you can’t do the hormone treatments. I’m learning to cope with understanding what is happening to my body, being forgiving of myself, and learning new ways to function.
I don’t know if I’ve helped any of you today, made you feel a bit “normal” but I hope this this post can be the beginning of a conversation for us all. Maybe through more sharing and conversations we can put an end to feeling embarrassed and less-than, and open doors for future generations to understand this stage of their life and help each other through it.
Please, share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
~Pax tibi
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